Let's be deep.

I think I just need to write all this down or I might explode. Or disappear. I don’t know, but somehow I’ll stop existing. That actually wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world though…if only. I want to stop existing. Not in a suicidal way or anything. Just to disappear like poof. No self-inflected pain and nothing that effects others. Just kinda to stop existing like I wasn’t here in the first place. Or give my “living space” to someone else. Like I’d gladly trade with a person who has leukemia or something because they’d probably make more of their life than i will ever. i know its a morbid thought to think about and pretty #dark but just bear with me. I want to stop worrying about a billion things. I want to not care about summer plans, about my body, about school or how I am wasting my life here. What the fuck is the point of all this? I’m going to get out of college with so much debt and have no career and that just freaks me the fuck out. Like I don’t even care if I have a well paying job though..I really don’t. yeah it will be comfortable and whatever but what the fuck am i going to do with the money anyway? travel? i don’t really care about that. i’ve wasted enough of my youth on this bullshit. fuck this. fuck fuck fuck this. when i’m fucking old and gray, all i’ll ever want is to be young again. that’s the only thing common about old people - be it poor old people or rich old people, its the same thing. why the fuck. 

what the fuck

i want to give up. i fucking dont want to live anymore because its just a waste. my life is a waste. i hate how average i’m turning out to be. and all the dumb fucks around me are even more pathetic than i am. at least i realize how boring my life is turning out to be, but these fuckers think their life is actually going to mean anything. no. its not. you’re a fucking joke, and life is going to fuck you over so hard and leave you bleeding. idiot. wake the fuck up and realize your dreams are not about to get real. you’re borderline socially retarded soo..

wow. sweet deal i am probably the fakest person i’ve met. lol. do i even have a real personality? how many lies have i told to one single person? LOL. so many. i can’t be trusted..obviously. no one should. its for the best. i don’t trust anyone either so its all good. life fucks with everyone at some point. i just don’t want to be fucked over anymore. i’m done. i want to say i don’t give a fuck but we all know that’s not true. as long as i keep writing and bitching, i care. fuck. i wish i could be just a routine robot just like all these dumb fucks. it would be nice to live in a world of oblivion, where you actually think your life has some meaning. even if it is a delusion. 

fuck where the fuck do these thoughts come from. i just dont want to think anymore. i dont want to get fucked over anymore by all these fucktards. like riddle me this: why does showing you care always make you hurt like a biiiitch? that really shows you how fucked up the world really is. i dont want to fucking care anymore. about anything at all. but i find that pretty idiotic too. if you dont care for anything, what’s the point of even living? i just want to find a passion. something worth dying for. something worth living for. 

you know what i mean?

just wished my high school crush for 3+ years happy birthday on fb

wow its like i dont even know him anymore

sigh sigh. guess i dont.

Last night.

Spent the night with the boys last night. Got real fun once we were drunk enough to start talking about what really mattered.

don’t know how I feel about it though. Definitely proud of myself for saying what’s on my mind..for once. “Don’t use it as an excuse to talk to me.” Please and thank you.

Goodbye. I’m about to pass the fuck out unless Kue decides to text me…ugh. Hopefully she forgot, but probably not. I just need to shower and sleep. Ugh and gym. Should’ve gone. Need to get rid of these dumb insecurities again. Shouldn’t be so bad once I start hitting it hard again. Ugh. Extra fatness, please disappear. Thank you.

I’ll not worry about it though. Just need to focus..rest, rest.